siliconereptilian

Malachite

@siliconereptilian

androidmaeosauridae

  • they/them

tabletop rpg obsessed, particularly lancer, icon, cain, the treacherous turn, eclipse phase, and pathfinder 2e. also a fan of the elder scrolls and star wars, an avid gamer and reader of webcomics, and when my brain cooperates, a hobbyist writer.

 

the urge to share my creations versus the horrifying ordeal of being perceived. fight of the millennium. anyway posts about my ocs are tagged with "mal's ocs" (minus the quotes). posts about or containing my writing are tagged with "mal's writing" (again, sans quotes). posts about my sci-fi setting specifically are tagged "the eating of names". i'd pin the latter two if they were actually among my top 15 most used tags lol. fair warning, my writing tends to be quite dark and deal with some heavy themes.

 

avatar is a much more humanoid depiction of my OC Arwen Tachht than is strictly accurate, made in this Picrew. (I have humanoidsonas for my non-humanoid OCs because I cannot draw them myself and must rely on dollmakers and such, hooray chronic pain)

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posts from @siliconereptilian tagged #gender dysphoria

also:
siliconereptilian
@siliconereptilian

Was writing a silly little gender comment on someone’s silly little gender chost when suddenly my brain hit me with:

Wait, how much of my current gender journey is tied up in the fact that I live in a place where it’s dangerous to be visibly queer? How much of the whole getting gender envy from shit that I know would make me dysphoric anyway shit is because I just wish I could safely express my queerness in the physical world to begin with, rather than some misguided desire to try and look like that when I know it would worsen my dysphoria? How much of this current round of questioning isn’t fueled by an evolving understanding of my identity, but rather by my desperation for any avenue of queer self-expression I can get my hands on?

Brain, you can’t just hit me with earth-shattering shit like that when it’s this late in the evening.

siliconereptilian
@siliconereptilian

sorely tempted to post some Deep Gender Thoughts I’ve had rattling around in my brain for a long time because I need to express myself somehow and fuck knows I’m not able to do that in the flesh (and maybe some other queer in a similar boat will see it and have advice…?)

sorely tempted to keep those Deep Gender Thoughts to myself out of an irrational(?) fear that some purity culture/exclusionist asshole will find them and cancel me for not being queer in The Correct Way™️ or else use the information to hurt me in some other way (also because I still believe in exercising caution when revealing personal info online like queer identity and mental illness shit and damn if these thoughts aren’t personal idk what is)

the worst part is I know on an intellectual level that I’m an internet nobody (positive) so no one has any reason to do what I’m afraid of someone doing because no one would care if they did, but on an emotional level I have been so scarred by the exclusionist and purity culture and thought policing crowds over on Tumblr that the fear persists regardless

identifying in a way that is marginalized even within The Community For Marginalized Identities (aka the queer community) fucking sucks sometimes

 
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