Sarah 🪶 F1330

Shay tented their mitts in obvious displeasure. “Explain again. The repairs are not yet complete because…”

“It’s the humans, captain. Last night we received a transmission from their home planet.”

“Some sort of distress signal, something of that nature? Why wasn’t I informed?”

“No! Nothing like that. It was a ritual broadcast. Some sort of… recreational attack. Two small armies engaged in hand-to-hand combat.”

“To what purpose?! What could possibly be more important than transporting delegates to the interplanetary summit?”

"They did say there was an important reason, captain."

"Which was?"

“To find out which was better.”

Shay collapsed backward in their chair. Every species had its faults, and humans were no different. They were dedicated workers, and they had taken to the concept of “pets” straight away. But they were fiercely competitive.

They had learned this firsthand shortly after bringing the first few humans on board. There was nothing so mundane, even cleaning out the grav-reversal chamber, that they wouldn’t first turn into a game, and then, if there were two or more, into a competition.

“It just needs to be clean!” Shay had said in frustration during that particular occasion.

“But if I can get the meter down to 5x10^-4, I get eight points!” the human Frank whined, as if it were the most natural thing in the galaxy.

There were no ‘points’. There had never been any ‘points’. But put two humans in an empty room with each other, and sure enough, as energy would spring from the quantum vacuum, ‘points’ would be spontaneously created.

“How long did this transmission last?” Shay mumbled, resigned.

“Approximately one-eighth of an earth day, but the ritual preparations took much longer.”

Shay groaned. Not this again. It always came back to this. “Did these ritual preparations include the consumption of low-level toxins?”

“Yes, captain. Capsaicin and ethanol. I blocked off the forward half of B deck, as a safety precaution.”

Shay slid off the captain’s chair to their feet. “I’ll go tell the esteemed ambassador she will be late to the summit. AND have a word with our engineering team once they’ve woken up.”
They paused at the door, digits gripping the frame in anger. “Who won?”

“Kansas City, captain. A small, landlocked settlement on one of the northern continents.”

Not even a spaceport. Now they had to figure out how to explain to the Lorxian ambassador why a backwater town on a backwater planet was the reason the summit was going to have to be delayed. They couldn’t even blow anybody out the airlock for this. The humans would just invent a new game, Who Can Go The Longest Without Breathing.