thinking about a back-and-forth i've seen a long time ago that went roughly "don't support Amazon, they're awful" "but I'm disabled and can't live without next day deliveries" "[paraphrased] you can walk, you should be able to get groceries too"
so we can walk. there's a grocery store nearby that takes less than 10 minutes to get to. i can go there easily. then, after i return, i regularly spend anywhere between one and four hours in a fugue-like fatigue induced state.
we live alone (as in, one body in the residence) most of the time, so it's not like there are many options: either go there ourselves, or book a delivery. and i work a full-time job.
the choice for me boils down to: spend one to four hours, which may end up displacing valuable things like rest, sleep, meetings, cooking, meals, and impacting my ability to generate income, or to book a delivery. the answer is obvious.
i think, ultimately, i don't care how bad Amazon is (replace Amazon with your least favorite company).
i spent too much of my life already caring about people who don't care about me back.
so far as i need to work full time (i.e. for the rest of this body's existence) i'm going to prioritize making my life bearable by whichever means it takes.
there's a saying that "being disabled is a full time job [of its own]" and I find it very accurate. by having a full time job that generates income I more or less now have two; no wonder I'm always exhausted
ultimately I can manage just about anything a normal person can manage, in fact I can manage considerably more if I have to; however all of that is priced in blood. each exhausting trip to the grocery store that costs me hours (or, if it leads to a chain of cascading failures, say by interacting with PTSD, that could be days) isn't just a price I'm paying now but also probably some amount of hours or days off this body's total time for which it could reasonably function
for the longest time my answer to "should I pour my blood on the ground because you say it is the right thing to do" has been to take out a knife and start cutting, but I find it that at this point, my answer to that question became "no. fuck you" instead, and I like this a lot more.
one of my ambitions is to no longer have fibromyalgia (which isn't the only disability I have, but arguably the one that affects me the most). and as I've exhausted most of the ways I knew to approach it (I still think it's viable) I realize that the one thing I must do is to actually behave like I have it; to not overstep my limits, and to use resources freely in order to make that the case.
