five years ago, in the spirit of nanowrimo, i decided to write a people you meet outside of bars song every day in november. i had not at that time learned ANY gentleness for myself & to this day find it difficult to talk about it without saying "i only wrote 25, which is, you know, technically a failure" rather than focusing on the fact that i wrote 25.... mostly decent & some genuinely good songs in a month, which is like, pretty impressive, actually, lol,?
in any case, i did it in such an unsustainable brute-forced way that i completely burned myself out on songwriting for several months or even a couple of years, OOPS!!!! in a lot of ways, it was probably the first solid step on the path that lead me toward having a purely vitriolic relationship with pymoob as a project. a few years later, i had to take a full break from it because i didn't know how to say no to a single show & my sets involved pouring out so much energy that i absolutely wasn't receiving back. it wasn't even audience disrespect or apathy-- that makes a difference, but the real thing that made me stop playing shows entirely for a few months was playing with touring bands who didn't care abt their tuesday night set in a small town in an empty bar (why would they, right-- no money, thats what theyre out here for), who didn't care abt me or connect with my work OR me in any meaningful sense, so i was just emptying myself on stage for nothing & never replenishing it & i had to stopppppppp bc it was so bad, "immense relief coursing through my body when i thought maybe id broken my hand so bad i could never play these instruments again" bad
my first show back after that break was in february 2020 & it did feel good & i was determined to be more discerning & i had a couple shows planned in march 2020 (my first shows that i'd booked myself, including my first out-of-town show) & well.................................. The Circumstances. as u can imagine.
so i just kind of never healed that relationship to that part of myself & i gotta let it lay fallow, like on purpose, like not poking & prodding at it for a little while until we're both ready. it'll happen, or it won't, but i'm mmmaybe starting to understand the balance between "forcing it" (painful, stupid) & "not trying" (painful, stupid). one thing i did as my feelings abt pymoob were fracturing was start piloting the animal, an experimental sounds + words project that was meant to be ugly & raw & deeply flawed, to try & find something musical in which i could feel the deliberate liberation of Making Something Gross and Embracing The Accidental i used to get out of net.art & glitch art
&&& very last minute this october, as i was increasingly aware i needed A Thing To Work On especially in light of my sudden unexpected joblessness, i was like. Ohhh do u think that uhmmm..... maybe the thing i should lean in2 is the thing that i created 2 try & make me feel good abt creating.....??? Do u think that makes sense? Hey im ummmm just reaching out 2 see if u think i should EITHER a) do something that hurts immensely & the best case scenario is maybe achieving "neutral" emotional status & maybe grim fulfillment while the worst case is that it kills me & hurts the whole time OR b) the thing that i on purpose created to give me a space to.. not do that....? both sound good to me so im just wondering.... Like which would u do..?
all this to say. im trying to create five minutes of pta Sounds every day this month. that's the whole rules so far. i like this one. its abt how im so sad i dont know the last time i showered if im being honest but it sounds a bit like its abt facefucking & well that's poemtry, babes.! That's simply how poemtry goes some times!!!!! also featuring a skunk onesie i like to wear when im very stinky and a toy piano i picked up at a secondhand store that DOES NOT work and i LOVE IT I LOVE THIS BAD PIANO SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!