for someone who believes, in the abstract, in strong and tightly knit communites which take care of each other, i sure am deeply terrified of the concept of actually being an active participant in any community ever and just have an urge to self-alienate, self-denegrate, self-sabotage, push people away.
i think i just believe in strong and caring communities for everyone except me in particular. i feel like im too broken to ever be a part of a community in any real way, i'm always on the boundary, i always feel like an outsider, an imposter, a fake, im always incapable of talking to people, in most cases either i want to be friends with them and they don't want to be friends with me, or they want to be friends with me but i'm overwhelmed/confused by them.
