what does it mean to be a deer? well, i'm glad you asked. it means everything to me }:3.
while i'm not (yet) physically a hooved critter bapping at an oversized keyboard, there's still a literal aspect to it, in all the phantom sensations i get so frequently, and the ever-present species dysphoria. (it's good friends with gender dysphoria and they both hate me }:P)
my hooves might be hand-shaped, but they're still entirely hooves to me, and while my tail might not be there, it's still there.
and other deer are, unsurprisingly, also my favourite creatures. whether they're out in the wild, or maybe too stuck in a human form, i feel so close to them. just, perfect animals, all of them (,other than me).
and it has metaphorical, maybe spiritual is a better word, value to me. a prey animal, a herbivore, skittish, sociable, odd, adored yet constantly associated with murder. they represent me, it's an adjective }:3.
it's also a way i ground myself. it helps tie together my identity and Self, a core part of what "luna" even is. i can always say, "i'm only a deer, i'm just a deer," to help pull myself from the worst thoughts.
it's tempting to imagine a past life for myself, one where perhaps i did live out in the wild among my herd... but i know that's not me, none of it is coherent in any meaningful way. i know what kind of being i am, but there's no reason it can't also be a doe.
i suppose i could also throw it in my gender, but like, it's on you if you expected this non-human to have an entirely human gender lol. you don't even have to be non-human to do that.
i love what i am.
it's so, so hard, sometimes,
but if i was anything else, you'd be talking to a completely different creature.
deer are everything to me.
(from my twitter, back in january)
