Okay, you meaty beauties - pull up a chair and bend your ear my way. I'm John Arby, King of Arby's, and I'd like to address a gap in our menu. I respect and value our vegetarian and vegan allies in the battle against the green things in this world - things that aid and give comfort to cows. Now, there are meat free alternatives for them to enjoy a burger, but not here at Arby's; that leaves the beef side up on players. So here at Arby's, we're introducing the Mega Beefer. The bun, the salad, the cheese, the sauce - it's beef all the way through. I'll be honest, it's actually just a cow. It comes in a damn big wrapper, though. I hope you've got dental insurance. I'm John Arby.
I give up, Mack is just John Arby now
the steamy, beefy crown is all yours
Nobody panic, beef queefs. I'm John Arby, King of Arby's, and so can you. Some men live with a fire in their soul that stokes a burning passion, and here at Arby's that passion is a grill. There's eight billion of us in the world, and by god, we've got a lot of cows to deal with. They just keep making more of the bastards. We're all of us John Arby; heroes in a fight against beef. You have the passion. Take your shirt off. You're the grill. God damn, you're hot. It's burger time. You're John Arby.
Put down the beef keef and eyes up for the beef brief. I'm John Arby, King of Arby's. You might be wondering how so many different people can simultaneously be John Arby. Well, wonder no more. See, we've recently discovered that, get this, people can only eat so much beef before they physically rupture. Crazy, right? You'd think there'd be a law. Anyway, the eggheads down at the lab said we needed to start branching out into new quantum realities for advanced new methods of meat consumption if we were ever gonna deal with the bovine scourge, and long story short, there's now a quantum Arby's interstice overlaying all possible realities and ape-descended beings. Every restaurant? Also an Arby's. The good news is by forcing all extant primates across a billion billlion billion dimensions to mantle a portion of the smoldering steak-lust that burns through my soul like the chariot of Helios across the dawn sky, we've increased our ability to convert cows into a digestible protein homogenate by 34% on average. The bad news is we've discovered approximately 7,429,756% more cattle. Grab a pitchfork and dig in; I'm not gonna eat all this beef myselves. Now we're all sons of bitches. We're John Arby.
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-6254 is subject to inverted containment protocols, and is present everywhere in reality except for those places which have been specifically purged of its influence. From communication with alternate realities (see attached documentation 19-055-127BXE) it has been established that instances of SCP-6254 exist across multiple universes, timelines, realities and potentialities of thought. The interior of the quick service restaurant McDonald's in the Motorway Service Area, M74 Northbound, in the United Kingdom is the only known location to have been successfully purged of SCP-6254 in this way. MTF-Theta 9 "It's Brown" are to visit this restaurant weekly during the Wednesday lunch rush (between 1200 and 1400 GMT) and each order a Chicken Nugget Happy Meal, consume the contents on the premises, and be heard loudly discussing the ███ they received as part of the promotional offering.
Description: SCP-6254 is John Arby, self-professed 'King' of Arby's. Attempts to conclusively identify and describe John Arby have been unsuccessful. SCP-6254 routinely addresses future instances of SCP-6254 (numbering them would prove pointless due to their exponential spread and presence across multiple realities, rendering individual identification moot) in a brisk manner reminiscent of advertising copy or an 'elevator pitch.' SCP-6254's commentary usually revolves around supposed special offers or new products at Arby's, all of which demonstrate a pathological hatred of Bos taurus, or common cattle. No known Arby's restaurant to date has been able to supply any of these, and staff are routinely bewildered by the bizarre range of threats made to beef via these offers; staff questioned about John Arby's special offers are subjected to Grade-C amnestic treatment. Being subjected to one of SCP-6254's tweets, broadcasts, statements or appearances leads to a ██% likelihood of eventual transformation into an instance of SCP-6254 through means not yet fully understood. Foundation assets embedded within broadcasting and social media channels are thus far preventing the complete overwhelming of humanity as a vector for SCP-6254 and propagating his 'War on Beef.' Due to SCP-6524's constantly evolving nature and newly developed methods for disseminating information online, there remains a █% likelihood of an eventual BK-class total loss of human identity.
Addendum, Researcher Mack: BK-class? Are you fucking kidding me? If we really can't stop this John Arby thing, he's going to kick our asses and we'll have had it coming. That heinous nut thump Rick Burgerking knows what he did.
