If your ass doesn't ride a bicycle at least once every seven years, the World Cycling League dispatches their cruellest assassins to end your worthless life.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Surely this can't be true? Murdered for not riding a bicycle?
A: Quite so. The assassins of the World Cycling League are formidable, boasting an array of deadly skills which leverage the notorious urban agility of the humble bicycle to reduce even the hardiest foe to no more than a gory skidmark in the pages of history.
Q: But how on earth does this 'World Cycling League' locate the violators of this preposterous rule? Where do they get their funding from? Why would such an organisation train assassins in the first place?
A: ... Are all questions that run through your mind in the moments before you're brutally decapitated by the lightweight but durable aluminium frame of a Cannondale road bike.
Q: Decapitated?!
A: A merciful death. Perhaps more merciful than you deserve for spurning the future of urban transport.