The Ramblings Of A Love-Starved Lesbian

I hate admitting the latter but it’s true. I still feel like me from four years ago but I also see her and who she’s becoming. I hate this middle phase. The phase where things are trudging along but it’s at such a slow pace because you’re living that growing process. There are so many things I want for myself and I’m wondering “when will these things come to be?” I hate when I’m bitter about not being in a relationship. Or being in love but not having it reciprocated. Just perpetually unrequited. I’m desired but only for a weekend. Not an eternity. I want the forever part. I want to know what it feels like to look at someone who is just at madly in love with me as I am with them. Of course, I love myself, but I’m selfish. I want more people to love me. I wonder if people see how incomplete I am. How the stubbles on my face still grow despite my frequent electrolysis treatments (which are helping btw; im not saying that they aren’t) and how diligent I maintain my skin. And sure, I could lose a few pounds but I’m also not unhappy with how I look? I’m very pretty. And I get told that a lot. I think I’m also pretty confident in how I look. Except when I don’t. If I don’t look the way I want to look I would rather you hide your eyes. My hair is both a blessing and a curse of my gender because I am somehow too boyish with a natural fro to really get gendered correctly. I think I‘ve gotten clocked a lot at work and don’t even realize it. I’m probably thinking about it way too much, though. Besides my name tag and my pronoun pin (god especially my pronoun pin) are just way too small to really notice firsthand at a glance unless you really looked. And also TMI, but || my boobs are noticeable but they’re just small enough that they’re probably just not going to be seen as such unless they were bigger. But also at the same time they form a defined shape, albeit a small one, but enough to make a clear contour in certain tops. And I just. Hate that I overanalyze these things about myself. I hate that I overanalyze in general but it’s wildly egregious when it comes to the awareness I possess of my own body. It disgusts me at times but I’m also in awe of it. Like today I wore an outfit that made me feel like a queen. I have braids in now so I’ve been trying out new styles with head scarves. I didn’t want to take it off because I was so in awe. But I knew I had to. I have those moments often where I like something so much on me that I just don’t want to take it off. I used to feel that way back when I wore my wig more often. I never wanted it to feel like a crutch for my own beauty. Sure it’s an addition, but it’s not the whole thing. I wanna feel desired from just my naked self. Anyway this is way too long but it gave me a lot of solve to write it out even if I’m still in the same place as before.