Content Warning For Mentions Of Car Accidents, Mental Health, Anxiety, And Hysterical Crying
Yesterday morning I woke up not feeling like myself. I started work later so I had a chance sleep in, but it threw off my usual routine of waking up early to open. Normally I can tackle my thoughts of self doubt, but this time I just couldn't shake them. As I eventually got dressed and headed out I was driving towards the entrance to the freeway when on the side of the road I saw two ambulances and one car with considerable damage on its side. One of the tri med vehicles' back doors were open and a person in a lime-green, orange-striped, reflective jacket was sitting inside presumably tending to the person involved in the accident. I tried my best not to stare as and focus on the road, but the line behind the red light was bottlenecked so I was stuck with my eyes slowly glancing back at the scene. It haunted me as I drove past. I was so worried for whomever was involved. I really hope they're okay. I saw someone walk by the wrecked car wondering if they were involved and my mind just started swirling with horrific hypotheticals.
I continue on my route to work and exit the freeway. I had Clairo's 'Glory of the Snow' playing to attempt to calm myself down. It's a song I've been obsessed with lately and it's a happy tune that I really needed. Just as I was turning into the intersection of the plaza that I work in I saw another group of medical vehicles and in-between was another wrecked car. Its side was torn and bent distorting the driver door and front side of the car. I saw a mother with a small push cart with her two children inside. The woman looked like someone I had served in the drive thru at work. And like clockwork those haunting thoughts returned sapped the color from my face and my conflicted emotions were bubbling to the surface with such haste. At that moment I just bursted into tears. I was sobbing. Screaming and sobbing. I couldn't take all that I was feeling. I had to let it out. After witnessing two accidents and feeling royally depressed I had go in to work on top of that? I pressed repeat on 'Glory of the Snow' and let its music wash over me as I trembled and stuttered attempting to sing the lyrics. It's my method of calming my anxiety. I cried and cried until I parked outside of my work. My breathing was heavy and I could feel my voice go out and run raw from my continuous shrieking. I thought about driving back home. I felt so exposed and vulnerable. I almost never cry in public. I saw another regular customer walk past my car and I hoped and prayed that she didn't see me. She was on the phone and too focused on trying to cross the road to the nearby supermall where she worked and i was so relieved to be invisible in that moment. Once my hysteria began to simmer down I played the Clairo song one more time, gathered myself and my belongings, and headed into work. I walked straight past my shift supervisor and store manager. I just could not talk to them. But my coworkers greeted me as I made my way to the back and I mumbled one back as I went to place my stuff down and clock in. One of my friends in particular was talking to me about her day thus far. There were still dried streaks of tears that ran down from eyes but were conveniently concealed by my mask. Still, I wonder if she ever noticed how shot my eyes were from crying.
Ironically, the work day was much better than I anticipated. My shift supervisor was so gracious enough to just give me a list of singular tasks that I could work on solely without needing to talk to anybody. It was perfect for helping me recover and refocus. It was a short shift that day and, with the help of my coworkers, I got every single task done by the end of it.
I headed to my local pharmacy to pick up my new added prescription of E as my doctor recently agreed to updose me. Once I finally got home I was greeted to an empty house. I thought my sister would be here at least. But her door was wide open and vacant. I texted her and it turns out she was just out running errands with my mom. Once I finally changed out of my work clothes I made myself lunch and put clothes in the wash. I stir fried the leftover yakisoba I had refrigerated from my friend's place where I made bracelets with her .
I was almost done with the book I was reading My Brother, My Land. It's a very powerful and emotional story about a woman, Sireen Sawalha, who recalls her growing up in Palestine and her brother, Iyad, who died fighting for his nation's freedom. It was a really good book but it was also very difficult to read at times. Author Sami Hermez, compiled with Sireen's detailed input, chronicled her and her family's history across the 70s and 80s, and all the way through the 90s and early 2000s. And all of the scenes of settler colonialism, forced annexing, Isreareli forces attacking and detaining innocents, renaissance fighters putting their lives on the line for their freedom; it sounded like what I've been hearing for the past nine months. It reminded me of the haunting truth that Palestine has been slowly eroding away for decades and its borders and land being turned to ash by Israel's twisted Manifest Destiny crucade of taking land that is not theirs. It was deeply disheartening, but I'm glad I read such a powerful testimony. It was necessary for me. By the time I finished the book my mom and sister had come back from their errand run.
Later I watched a movie with my friend per routine on monday nights. Each week we take turns choosing a movie to watch and tonight it was her turn. The film was called Kajillionaire (2020). It starred Evan Rachel Wood as an awkward young adult named Old Dolio who was raised by her swindler parents and told the story of how they struggled find the money to pay for rent. During one of their plans to get enough money before the deadline they came across Melanie, played by Gina Rodriguez, who's a bubbly sweet girl around the same age as Old Dolio who the parents basically adopt into their scheme by proxy of being on the same plane. The film took some turns I didn't think it would and definitely challenged my expectations. It was fun and a much needed escape from today.
Soon after I hung up the call with my friend I came across a tweet on my timeline. It was a screenshot of an article about a black trans filmmaker named Clementine Narcisse who's working on an upcoming film called Blue Moon Angels. Sold just on the fact that Clementine looked like me, I immediately looked her up and found her letterboxd. She has two short films to her name thus far, both with such cute and distinct vibes.
The first one was As We Hold Hands , a short about two brown lesbians, a cosplayer and a photographer, who meet up for a photoshoot and later spend the whole rest of the day together. The scenery was blissful and the looks were inspiring. It's just so cute and dreamy and pink and it left me feeling so fluttery inside ^.^ It was something I just really needed to see.
The second was Girl Blunt, a story about two black sisters who are trying start up a weed selling business so that they can pay for one of the sisters', Imani's, breast implants. It's a lovely little short about two girlies just being femme and cute, someone you don't ever see for black girls on film. One being trans no less. It's got some really cute outfits, and 'i must apologize' by pinkpantheress plays during one of the scenes at one point. It's just some real Black Barbie shit and I'm so here for it. The things girlies will do for some titties. Honestly so real...
I was so manic that night and I was lookup digital cameras to look into. I impulsively bought one off of ebay because it was cute and purple and had an adorable circular shape. I shared this with my friend who's also into vintage cameras and y2k gizmos. Little did I know, it was a film camera and I didn't have any film. So I requested to refund the purchase. Really embarrassing but I was careful afterward. Before I knew it was 1 am and I was sitting in my living room floor. The wifi had been flickering all throughout the time my friend and I watched the movie, and I figured hooking my laptop up to ethernet would stabilize my connection. Searching away with multiple tabs open, I watched a couple more short films that I came across while watching this two-hour video on trans people in horror films. Most of the films are very distasteful and play on the deranged crossdresser stereotype that spawned from Psycho. However there are a few promising films here and there like Sleepaway Camp , a slasher whodunit type with a very whiplashian twist, and Bit a trans girl who joins a group of sapphic-coded man-killing vampires.
There were also some other short films I watched last night and this morning that I wanna list off really quick in a lightning round fashion!! Don't worry, I got a lot of sleep last night.
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A.I. Mama (2020) - a programmer constructs an A.I. in hopes to resurrect her mother. It's got big Tetsuo the Iron Man vibes, impressive budget set design, and stop motion animation. There are some flashing lights throughout to know about so be warned upon viewing.
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7G: The Fight Against Phones (2024) - a short of many I watched by David Leo on youtube which coincidentally also featured Clementine Narcisse, tells the tale about a group of cyberpunk trans young adults who fend off against evil sentient smartphones who are trying to corrupt their minds and bend to their algorithms. It's got a lot of high saturated flashing lights so a strong warning to those who are sensitive to that.
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Mommy on Drugs (2023) - it's a bizarre short to say the least: set in another cyberpunk future where a girl is addicted to getting abortions. It's just as insane as it sounds and it looks like a wild acid trip. Also has bright flashing lights
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[From One Source Which All Things Depend]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKINZ59ljSE) (2022) - out of the three David Leo shorts I watched, this was by far my favorite. It about Jesse, a trans guy who comes across a a paper ad for trans affirming care. He goes to the house of Atari, a trans girl who proposes to swap chests with Jesse. It's a really cool short playing on the age old question of what if two trans people just switched parts of their bodies.
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Coming Out (2020) - Godzilla's kid comes out to him as a trans. I watched it once and then I watched it again and was sobbing so hard. It's really really cute and I'm getting fuzzy just thinking about it now
phewwwww okay I think that's everything I wanted to talk about all at once. this could've easily been multiple posts but I think it's okay. I gonna go get up and make pancakes now <3