ranking every touhou girl by, if they were to suddenly find a 3 year old human on their doorstep and half to take care of the, how long the 3 year old would last without dying
okay so
- reimu: the kid is fine. reimu's got enough protective instincts, knows just enough about how to not be a shitty parent, and also has people like kasen around to force her to be a better mom. she hates it, but the kid lives and has a wonderful childhood
- marisa: ...depends. like, her house is a mess and full of dangerous chemicals. she WANTS to be a good mom, and if someone can hammer into her "hey this isn't safe" she'd do it. i think the kid gets in a dangerous accident, survives, and then she shapes up a bit.
- rumia: that child is dead
- cirno: honestly the kid has a slight chance of living because if something goes wrong i think the faries would go to reimu about it and reimu could fix it. cirno ain't raising a baby tho
- The collective SDM: only sakuya and meiling could really raise a kid imo, but if any of the other girls end up with a baby they're just gonna go "hey sakuya make sure the baby doesn't die". the kid is gonna have a weird time but i think they'll be shockingly fine
- letty does not exist
- prismriver sisters... if the kid was old enough to like, idk, work for them? maybe they'd be okay. but as is i think they just leave the kid in the human village and forget about em. they've got a job they're too busy for this
- youmu/yuyuko: god i have no fucking clue. somebody help me out here
- chen/ran/yukari: oh the kid is gonna be fine. well like, it might get turned into a computer, it's mom(s) are insane, and it's sibling is a cat that will probably maul it a few times, but like. it's gonna live.
- wriggle: the child squishes a bug and dies
- mystia: if the kid is old enough to work the kid might be okay.
- alice: honestly i think the kid is gonna be alright. She'd hate it, and be a huge bitch about it, but it'd turn out kinda cute.
- keine: one of the top 5 safest options in all of gensokyo
- tewi/reisen/eirin/kaguya: eirin has enough common sense to know how to raise a kid and they can all bully reisen to do the actual work. the kid is gonna make it.
- mokou: she would give the kid to eirin honestly, so see above result.
- aya: she's pawning that kid off to the human village first chance she gets. if this fails tho it'd be real cute to see her carting around a kid as annoyed as possible
- suika: as funny as it is to go "the kid dies" she'd just do some shenanigans to convince reimu to come attack her because she "kidnapped a child" and in the process make reimu take care of it instead. problem solved.
- eiki: eiki knows exactly who this kid belongs to and they are getting their kid back. if they are dead the kid goes to an orphanage. She Does Things As Is Proper
- komachi: komachi should not be raising a kid, but she sure does and she does a shockingly good job
- Minoriko Aki: the kid is gonna live, although she's probably gonna just give them to the local humans
- Hina Kagiyama: i think she'd be a great mom. nyeh
- nitori: hello child, are you autistic enough to be really really into kappa technology? wild news, you may not know this but your entire life depends on it!
- sanae/suwako/kanako: hey great news sanae you've got a new sibling. another top 5 safe options
- Tenshi: hilariously, i think the kid dies UNLESS this is tenshi AND shion. if either of them are raising the kid on their own, the kid is in trouble (although shion could maybe be a slightly okay disaster parent) but together? that kid has the BEST parents
- Yamame: honestly? this kid is gonna be just fine. i think she'd be a great mom
- Parsee: i want to say "the kid dies" but. like. the image of parsee as The Ultimate Karen Milf is so, so fucking funny. imagine her at a PTA meeting. imagine her at her kid's soccer game. imagine it
- yuugi: ...is she sober enough to realize she can't raise a kid? if so, the kid ends up... probably dropped off at satori's place. if not, the kid goes on a wild adventure and MAYBE dies. she's pretty reasonable tho so i think the kid will be okay.
- satori: she'd be an amazing mom actually, but she's 100% not taking care of a kid if she can help it. it's gonna take a LOT of funny shenanigans to leave her as the only person who can raise a kid. in 99% of circumstances the kid ends up in the human village.
- rin/Utsuho: satori dear god please go check on your pets they're murdering a small child. if you do not get there in time The Child Dies
- koishi: it's not really a question of "would koishi kill a child" more that koishi would show up to talk to someone else with a small baby riding on her head and that person, no matter who it is, would go "koishi you should not have a baby with you" and take the baby away. shockingly, the kid lives
- every single character from UFO except nue: the kid is fine. the buddhist polycule would be great at raising a kid, and even if some of them wouldn't want to there's no way Byakuren is gonna abandon the kid. Also, kogasa with a baby is a very funny image and i think it'd be good for her.
- Nue: That child is Dead
- Every single character from Ten Desires except mamizou: i'm sorry but there's no way a kid can live at the same place as seiga and survive. maybe Kyouko takes the kid to someone else who takes care of it, but like. none of these bitches can raise a kid, that kid is FUCKED
- mamizou: that kid is gonna have the best, weirdest mom in existence, and so long as they get lucky enough to not die when she forgets about them every once in a while cause she got drunk, they're gonna turn out So Great
- Hata no Kokoro: I give the kid 50/50 odds it lives
- Wakasagihime: ... i'm sorry, but that baby is probably going to die of drowning. i adore Wakasagihime i've got mermaid genders myself but that kid is in trouble
- Sekibanki: dude i think she'd be a great mom. i think she'd be a hilariously great mom. she'd be such a bitch about it. SHE'S THE MOM PARSEE HATES AT THE PTA MEETINGS YES
- Kagerou: she'd be a fine mom :) the kid is gonna be a-okay
- The Tsukumo Sisters/Raiko: I don't think they care enough about humans to even take care of the kid in the first place. So long, gay baby
- Seija: sometimes in the "leave a baby on the doorstep" game you roll snake eyes. that child is So Fucked
- Shinmy: shinmy could absolutely not raise a kid lol. lets just hope her mom (reimu) shows up
- Sumireko: sumireko IS a kid. she just gets a new sibling out of this.
- Seiran/Ringo: honestly... even odds here. I think both of them probably accidentally hurt the kid pretty bad out of sheer "i don't know how babies work at all", but they could grow into figuring it out... or they might not and just leave the kid.
- Doremy: Doremy is in the same category as eiki where she's too powerful AND too busy to raise a kid. the kid goes to the human village and is adopted.
- Sagume: kid, you've been drafted into the lunarians. or genocided. both options are Bad!
- Clownpiece/Junko/Hecatia: congrats clownpiece you've got a new sibling! Welcome to the world's funniest new sitcom, "my wife the vengance spirit" airing now on ABC. good luck, you're gonna need it. 80% odds the kid lives, cause her moms would genuinely care (in between trying to blow up the moon)
- Joon: oh you'd have been better off with shion, somehow. sorry but you get left at somebody else's doorstep, probably as part of a scam to sell people shit. MAYBE you could do some oliver twist shenanigans, but 10 bucks says you're fucked here
- Eternity Larva: does not notice the baby. baby crawls away
- Nemuno Sakata: you are going to have the weirdest mom ever. you're gonna be fine but you're gonna turn out So Weird
- Aunn: see reimu
- Narumi: ...there's no way you're getting the care you need. that kid is dying of neglect
- Okina/The Dancing Sisters: good news is, you're gonna live! the bad news is, that might have been the worse option here!
- Eika: i don't know how to categorize how well the ghost of a stillborn child would take care of another, still living child. i think she might be good at it tho!
- Urumi: dude this kid is gonna have such a great childhood. your mom is a cowgirl who likes fishing and is relatively normal. you're doing great
- Kutaka: ...i'm sorry kid, but you live at the gates of hell and your mom is a birdbrain who forgets where she is half the time. you're FUCKED
- Yachie: can, would, and probably has murdered a human child before. you're either useful or you're fucked, so figure out how to be a useful criminal FAST baby or else you're dead
- Saki: same as the above except "become the buff baby finn from adventure time fast or you're dead"
- Yuuma: i do not think yuuma would raise a kid at all, i think she'd just leave the kid. if you can raise yourself tho she might hang out sometimes, so that's... better then the above two at least. she's not an ACTIVE threat
- Mayumi/Keiki: LETS PUT THE CHILD INSIDE A ROBOT BODY YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH
- Mike/Takane/Megumu/Chimata: none of this fucked up scam polycule should raise a kid and none of them will. if you're lucky, megumu takes you to the tengus who can at least get you to someone else.
- Sannyo: oh she'd 100% raise this baby and it'd be awesome. just a little kid growing up in a gambling den surrounded by monsters it'd kick so much ass
- Misumaru: smart enough to hand the kid off to someone else who knows what they're doing
- Momoyo: that CHILD is ALREADY DEAD
- Tsukasa: unfortunately i am not allowed to comment on tsukasa as i have been banned off the subject by tsukasa/sanae shippers. so i have no idea
- Son Biten: cannot raise a child, and yachie is a terrible option. That Child Is In So Much Trouble
- Enoko: honestly? might be smart enough to give the kid to marisa. hey someone write me an enoko/marsia "they have to raise a kid together" fic
- Chiyari: no, chiyari, passing the 3 year old the joint is not adequate child raising technique. this kid is In Fucking Trouble
- Zanmu/Hisami: zanmu would not raise a kid, but would order hisami to do it, who would then get really worried that hisami is paying more attention to the kid then her and this is the start of a wonderful sibling comedy story. congrats, you probably live
- Rinnosuke/Kasen/Kosuzu/Miyoi/Hieda: oh the kid is gonna be fine, most of these are small business owners and the other one is Kasen who could raise anything.
