tati

writer of human & machine words

trans. cyborg. hermit-lite. 30ish. script kitty.


Loves:

-@julez

-fighting games


_tati on discord.


balketh
@balketh

Woof. Madly frustrated, creatively. It's a personal thing, pass on by if you're not here for that. :D

TL;DR Cinematic video as an art-form is an extremely multifaceted industry of hard-earned skills, and AADHD go brrrrrrrrrrrrr, endlessly torturing my inner-child-still-aspiring-filmmaker.


A lot of my creativity comes from a cinematic background; I was hellbent on entering film as a career path from a young age, and only for a couple of extremely near misses did I not get pulled into that world. I might have flourished, I might have absolutely crashed. Regardless, I am not there, but the perspective of my mind's creative eye remains forever in the cinematic.

My AADHD wavelength is such that I can't reliably force myself (read: outside of randomized hyperfocus periods - 'when I don't "want" to') to do anything that requires me to really engage my brain consciously, whether in learning tools to create a thing, or creating the thing itself with much trial and error and work; this even (agonizingly) applies to hobbies. My ability to use executive function to overcome the dopamine shortage in my brain factory is pretty trash.

But that also means, when I'm just vibing on a thing, I get the coolest shit goin down up there, y'know? Some absolutely wild cinematic content.

But I want it to be good, y'know? Not 'Astartes' good (at first maybe <_<) but good enough to carry the vibe.

I can't just sit down with ZBrush and start whipping up a character model. ALL the steps to PROPERLY learning Zbrush are the only thing I'd even consider spending my time on... And that's literally a whole education AND career path in and of itself. Even if I buy, say, a Heroforge mini STL, rigging it properly is the same problem as Zbrush - it's a whole skill to be learned to do it well. Even if I automate the rigging (shudder), I have to learn the environment in which to then animate that rig, and almost certainly to create/apply animation controls, presets, saves, and such, to allow for the kind of control I want (y'know, easy, but also detailed, but also easy? >_>;).

Each step is a whole-ass profession. Each CAN be simplified, but much is lost. So I reduce my expectations, as I've been taught (kill your darlings), and try for simpler, or easier, or entry-level... But I'm so fucking sick of entry level results? I'm so tired of the beginning of the process, of learning the tools just to try and get far enough to produce the result I want, because I've started and failed that for so many skills, hobbies, and interests across the course of my life that it's sickening. I dread it. I mark it as a sign that, sure, it's probably worth doing, but I won't be able to do it long enough to achieve a result, and I'll be even more upset by the wasted effort.

Yet, I still dream, and I still try, and I improve. In brief, extreme bursts, like lightning, I'll go from never-done-it-before to 200hrs-competent in a week because I hyperfocused and just got it. But rarely ever further. And yet, I still dream.

I COULD get a model, get it automatically rigged (shudder), and use canned animations and still poses to even get the GIST of what I want... But then I have to apply the rest of the processes for that gist to even be a gist.

Into the video editor, assemble all the animations and their angles, find/make/add backgrounds, and cobble together audio to go with it, to only get a very canned VN-style cinematic. These parts are all doable, but they're only worth doing if the core content is there, and canned VN-style content isn't the goal.

It's dramatic moments, like an OC tearing-ass around a temple corner to engage a huge yuan-ti abomination in single combat, or fucking SPELLCASTING ANIMATIONS - Fuck yes. Unf. Bending the Weave to their will, exploiting the reactions of reality to produce incredible results, calling down divine bombardment, pulling a soul back from oblivion... It's also memes, or cinematic versions of events from some of my favourite game stories (Nerevar and Dagoth Ur's final reunion, or character interactions in Pathologic), or OCs doing silly shit.

It's all there. My brain is just trapped inside my brain.

And yet, I still dream.


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