Jasper

there is a desperation to have some history, some culture (beyond fast food and convenience stores and military worship), some more tangible connection to the past and to others and to roots (more tangible than just existing). there are systems in place, systems to reach toward, like "heritage" and "tradition" and "genealogy"; but these are all loaded, as a white person. nothing belongs to me but poison, and that would still be scavenged in desperation. I barely even knew my grandparents; i don't know where my families came from. No one I knew practiced or believed in anything from before 20 years ago. and it's so scary to face that big emptiness, and it's scarier to face the fact that in order to fill it with meaning, you have to build it yourself. you have to work hard to paint the pictures of ancestors on your own, and work hard to imagine the roots you can reach to, and work hard to find your own rituals, instead of trying to scavenge baseless pieces of others' histories