Well if nothing else, I no longer have to wonder what is like to feel like you have nothing left to live for. Like I don't think I'm suicidal but almost everything is now devoid of meaning, it doesn't feel like there's any point.
And maybe that's on me. Maybe I put too high an expectation on the outcome I wanted, and this absolutely crushing disappointment is just a normal and ordinary consequence of basically going all in emotionally. I'm sure I'm not the only person to have ever suffered like this by an extremely wide margin, even if you only counted people currently living. In fact, I might even wager that's a fairly common occurrence.
Doesn't change the fact that it hurts in a way I've never experienced before. Doesn't change the fact that my stomach is growling and empty but I have absolutely no appetite and the thought of eating anything is repulsive. Doesn't make it any better to feel like my entire future has been wiped out in an instant, and that I have been permanently wounded by this. I kinda wish I had stayed asleep and never woke up. At least in my dreams I might have been able to feel capable of changing the situation, but I am utterly powerless when I'm conscious. There's no good ending here. I can say for certain that I'm at least gonna stick around for as long as my dog is alive, because she deserves to be cared for and loved. But after that, who fucking knows.
And there's the paranoia. I want to believe that the situation is actually as it appears to be, as much as it sucks. But I can't help but wonder if there hasn't been some kind of collusion happening behind my back, and if there has, what its extent is. I want to believe. There's so much I want to believe here. I just.
Can't.