alright listen up nerds and hooligans. back at the start of october, i kicked off a computer program full of advanced artificial intelligence networks and deep neural combinatorics. real cutting-edge stuff. this program's purpose was to answer one simple question: what is it that people really want this halloween? and this morning, with just two days to go, it finished producing an answer. the full output is very technical and hard to read, so i've written a little summary.
what do people want this halloween? in short: hot nonbinary spellcasters. they want all kinds of magic spells done by exceptionally attractive people whose gender situations are somewhere between baffling and impossible.
people want witches. they want forest witches, all covered in leaves, cookin up potions with six kinds of mushrooms you've never heard of in their little forest hut. they want mountain witches, living in caves, lookin at rocks and crystals and bones to see the future. they want swamp witches, bog witches, marsh witches, witches from every kind of wetland environment you can find. go on down to the beach, find yourself some sand witches. people want nice witches and people want cruel witches. witches are what people want.
people want wizards. wizards with all kinds of tremendous pointy hats and big robes and whatever kind of wand or staff or orb or tome that makes them look fuckin irresistible. they wanna see wizards all covered in sparkly stars, lookin up at the night sky, tellin you the name of every point of light up there. they wanna see wizards covered in dust and grime, livin in their library-towers since the day they were born, reading and re-reading ancient knowledge to discover some forgotten secret and connect the pieces of an ancient riddle, never seen a dang heavenly body in their whole life time. they want wizards tossing fireballs and they want wizards shooting rays. they want a wizard for every element on the periodic table. they want wizards crafting the most intricate illusions and wizards tearing away lies to reveal the barest primal truths. they want a shapes wizard with a form -- you can't really call it a "body" at this point -- that doesn't even make sense and that just makes you want them even more.
warlocks, summoners, conjurers, hexers, mages, transmuters: you name it, they cast it. necromancers? we got necromancers. pyromancers? we got pyromancers. geomancers? oh, you better believe we got geomancers. we got any kind of romancer you can imagine, they're here, they're goddamn gorgeous, and they have absolutely built and/or destroyed gender in a way that does not fit into anything resembling a binary. happy halloween, all you blessed, beloved perverts. we've got all kinds of magic in store for you.