• he/him • it/its

Tobias Stone • 30 • BPD/ASD • ΘΔ • artist
🤍@LeoHowler@RosenElytra 🤍
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tob
@tob

I'm finding it difficult to place the right words to my feelings lately. I've already jotted down the summation of how I've been feeling for the last few months elsewhere but I feel like I should ruminate on it more? I don't know.

Long story short, I have been coasting on this kind of grey, neutral, not-bad-but-not-good line the past few months. Things still bring me joy, I still have a good time with my partners and friends. I still let my sad/negative emotions out when needed, but in between all of that is the deafening non-threat of neutrality.
I think I prefer when my depression is more severe, when I feel more tangibly sad, cause at least I can do something and work towards better days. This feels insurmountable. It feels like I'm at the event horizon of being swallowed whole in perpetuity. I'm waiting for some severe drop into depression but instead I am just perched on a curb looking at both the void and a better, happier life at the same time. There are glimpses of both. It's nice to still feel a range of emotion but for the love of god what is going on?

There's never been a time in my life where I've felt like this for so long. I am used to excessive lows and extreme highs and then finding a happy medium to bounce between the two. I am not in a crisis but I am also not doing well either. I skirt by and do the bare minimum to take care of myself and the things around me. I am tired of the grey. I am tired of the... perpetual motion of whatever the fuck is going on right now.
I want to throw a fit and claw my way out of this! I do! But also, it's not that bad, I've been through worse, I can just wait it out, right?

I'll let you know when I find out...


tob
@tob

I am stuck in the mental equivalent to Kim Kardashian's white mansion.


tob
@tob

I never feel rested, I never feel full, I sleep too much, I indulge too much, I abstain from things as to not sink into them too hard, I stay awake to counteract the sleeping too much
I'm going insane
I don't want to make anything I don't want to do anything but I also want to draw and work on my own art and the commissions I owe and read and walk and cook a really really good meal and hang out with my friends and also want to do absolutely nothing I want to sleep I want to keep sleeping but also being awake is so great
I don't know what this is and I'm going insane


tob
@tob

I have not focus! God I crave the jostle of drastic change!


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in reply to @tob's post:

I guess?? I feel disorganized and unfocused across most aspects of my life and its frustrating! The only motivation I feel is when there is something that needs my immediate attention or is influencing my life to the point I need to 'go with the flow' i.e: moving over the next few months because I won't have much say in the matter after the towing guy buys the property my house occupies.

in reply to @tob's post:

I think "felt" is something appropriate to say there, I'm not really sure how "felt" works but I can relate and also can't really help as I've been there with dips below forever.

its a comfort knowing these feelings aren't foreign ot others, but it feels like its easier digging myself out of the lowest lows. This is just sustained, stagnant existence that's not doing me a lot of harm but also not really doing me any favors either.

If you have access to therapy, don't hesitate I guess. I have made the mistake of thinking I'd manage it by myself for years and years then I've been trying to get help but couldn't find what was needed and only recently started getting professional help that feels appropriate. I can't tell if it works yet but it feels like I am at least being listened to and understood to a degree. But I couldn't get any of that if there wasn't free healthcare here and even getting to it felt like it took lots of luck and meeting the right people almost by chance. Also I can't even really say if our cases are the same.
Anyway, I hope you find means to get yourself back up. It seems like you're willing to and just that is a good sign.