gender to me is kind of like a ball of clay that got formed by other people and influences in one specific way for most of my life and now i'm still in the process of rehydrating it and smashing it down into a ball and playing around with it until i figure out how to shape it into a way that i like (and also keeping it flexible cause there is no permanent state of self).
problem is i am terrible at sculpting (metaphorically and literally) and my creative critic brain keeps yelling angry things at me D:
this is interesting from a previous model of gender that i think i had, where (to continue the metaphor), my gender was the shape it took rather than the raw material itself, even though the shape it took had no real influence from me, who was trained to be 100% obedient to whatever people in supposed authority had to say about me.
not that considering gender as the form more than the material is wrong outright, just not for me. that's probably where being nonbinary falls in my case.