learning to let myself experience joy openly as an autistic person has been one of the hardest parts of the whole late realization process because i'd spent my whole life until recently violently punishing myself for being too happy and convincing myself that my happiness was a danger to me that needed to be stifled at all costs. because i had for my entire life been treated like my joy was inappropriate no matter where or when or what it was. i get told i look angry and intimidating all the time and it makes me feel a little sad because i know in my most natural and unaffected state i'm literally the smiling giggler
the problem isn't that nothing brings me joy it's that i was told that i wasn't allowed to feel explosive massive life-ending levels of joy over literally everything so my answer was to play dead
