personal noodling/rotating things in mind palace/gender
i mentioned to a friend i hadn't seen in a bit recently that i was using she/they pronouns now and they said "welcome to the nonbinary club!!" and i'm still rotating that because i'm still not sure if i would call myself nonbinary or not
...which i think largely has to do with perceived expectations or something. like, part of the reason i don't use "queer" for myself individually is largely because around the time my lesbianism manifested a lot of people were very rhapsodic about how they loved the word due to the fact that it captured their fluid, messy sexuality and i was just like, i guess it's not for me since i feel like mine is pretty clear-cut?
likewise despite the fact that i know it is not per se true that you have to be [x] to be nonbinary or w/e there is a specific common vibe that i do not fit; that and for all the talk that "afab nonbinary is not 'woman-lite'" really i would describe my relationship to womanhood as "woman (but i ignored the assembly instructions)" and i legit still like she/her pronouns. i don't know if i identify with "nonbinary" so i'm just. rotating in my mind palace
(and like, i vibe with the way leslie feinberg describes 'transgender' as trans-as-in-transgressing, but also it feels like it is not remotely my lane on account of i am not doing trans-as-in-movement here, and also like adopting that would cause people to read the wrong thing into what i am doing here even though yeah yeah most folks are not transmed anyway)
(the point is that i just want to hand people an artist's statement or something. weirdly my mom understood more or less immediately and exactly what i am doing when i told her; she has gotten surprisingly hip to this stuff. then again my parents raised me in a very nongendered/nonfeminine/free to be you and me way so. ???)
