october 6, 2021
There isn't always beauty in trauma, and there isn't always a lesson to learn out of being afraid. I tried so hard for so long to make every bad experience a story to tell or a moment to improve from. I don't think that's possible, or even desirable.
To indulge myself, I'm allowing myself to say there is no lesson here, just feelings I have. I am tired of always needing to escape something. I am tired of my brain only functioning in crisis mode. I am tired of living in crisis mode due to circumstances out of my control. I am tired of Matt Damon's behavior in the diner scene of The Bourne Identity being intensely relatable. I am tired of evaluating threats on the horizon. I am tired of wondering if I am actually making progress escaping the clouds, or if I've simply resigned myself to watching the storm get closer and finding it pretty as a coping mechanism.
I'm tired of wondering what my life would look like if I could see the sky for a while.