vicki scott

@victoria-scott

trans and gay and enjoying it

she/her

I write about cars for a living and I take photographs to stay alive. Expect to see a lot of photography here.

sometimes I post nsfw images of my body. I tag them as adult content, but this is not a purely professional account - this is where I am myself.

my web site

www.vantimevictoria.com/

my twitter

twitter.com/mikurubaeahina

vicki scott @victoria-scott1/23/2023, 4:51 PM

self portrait I (or, it's okay to cry)

january 22, 2023

The thing I suppose I was least ready for after transition was how much I would feel things. I didn't cry almost at all from age 15 to my mid-20s, and then I found myself crying a lot when the post-dissociation wave of emotion hit me. I hoped, as with many first-year fears and new feelings, that the tears would fade too. They really never have, and so I'm entering my third year of transition still unsure what to do with "getting sad sometimes".

It's not like I was happy, before - I'm much happier now, and I mean it. I used to spend months at a time thinking incredibly harmful, self-destructive thoughts; now I spend very little time on them and I consciously try to stop them before they spiral. That surge of emotion brought joy, satisfaction, contentedness, the ability to actually love wholly, and a host of other positive feelings with it, too.

It's just that I feel more childish now because of all that emotion. Stoicism, despite my distaste for it intellectually, is still hard-wired into my brain as What Adults Do. I cry over silly things (this photo? thought I'd lost my camera's remote trigger after I'd spent a bunch of time getting ready for boudoir photos, and it made me weep), I don't have a Big Career at NASA anymore, and I spend time making art about love and daydreaming about photography just like I did when I was a kid. I don't know how to be a grown woman.

But who does? I look around at a world run by people who annihilated their emotions and I think it has made them less compassionate, less human, and certainly not more adult. Is that really what I aspire to? Or instead, should I remind myself that it's okay to cry, even when the emotions feel like they're all so much to handle for what feels like the first time I've ever experienced them so sharply?

#photography #self-portrait #trans woman

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in reply to @victoria-scott's post:

Witch-Doll Kyrie @WitchDoll-Kyrie1/23/2023, 5:05 PM

Even before hrt, I cried fairly easily. I was okay with crying, I didn't see anything wrong with it...

But now, on hrt, and even more so on injections, I cry even easier and much harder. I feel the same emotions I experienced before, but with so much more intensity and clarity. I even love harder and more intensely than I used to. But I kind of understand that feeling of being "less adult", too.

But those feelings, and the enhanced intensity they have, are just part of life, and gosh: I am enjoying life so much more than I used to, and I'm glad you are too!

Thank you for sharing this story and the accompanying photo 💜

vicki scott @victoria-scott1/23/2023, 5:35 PM

I just had everything so solidly packed up I feel like I opened floodgates I can never possibly close again now, lol. also same with injections - that felt like it upped the intensity of everything for me as well after doing sublingual pills for a while, and I prefer the injections, it's just that... I still struggle with the intensity when it's a "bad" emotion, like crying over a camera trigger, but I'm trying to remember it's okay. This is just being human.

My pleasure <3

toast @ToastyDecline1/23/2023, 5:08 PM

the older I get the more I just say "fuck it" and let emotions fly

It's nice, we should all do it I think

vicki scott @victoria-scott1/23/2023, 5:47 PM

I want to do this, but also I'm aware my emotions can have negative externalities, too, and I guess that's why I worry about it so much, but I really shouldn't; bottling them has negative externalities just the same.

toast @ToastyDecline1/31/2023, 8:31 AM

yeah it's kind of a calculus to figure out I suppose

gotta find the right balance and level with which to commit

becca wants you to know that she is very gay @becca1/23/2023, 5:15 PM

i don't think i've either cried or expressed joy with quite the same intensity as i have in the past year since starting HRT.

long ago, when i was just discovering what, and who, trans people were, i think i saw someone describe it as an expansion of a flat one-note melody at their richest into an ongoing and expansive symphony of emotions, all at once (i think it was cara, and with apologies, i am very likely inserting her idea into my own metaphor, it was long ago that i read this). and that's very much been my experience.

and it's such a weird thing, but surprising myself by finding joy in that range of emotional experience and expression, even when it feels overpowering… i don't know, but it feels like the strongest tether to my body and humanity i've ever held, and it's hard, but... good? (yeah, it's good)

vicki scott @victoria-scott1/23/2023, 5:50 PM

Oh my god me either. That does sound like a Cara quote, I can't lie; she has a great way with words about the trans experience (she helped me to figure out a LOT), but either way, it's true. There's so much overpowering emotion and I feel so much more deeply human but it's just that sometimes that's hard; like, I didn't want to wreck my makeup last night, and if I could have not cried... well, I wouldn't have made this then, and maybe this made it all worth it. I'm not sure, but I still struggle to find the right balance of regulation and expression. It's still early, I try to remind myself. this is 2 1/2 years into what is hopefully many more. Maybe I can still figure it out; still cry, still feel joy, but feel more level when I do? I don't know. it's all so much to learn in your mid-20s lmao

Daisy @dsy1/23/2023, 5:18 PM

It's just that I feel more childish now because of all that emotion.

lol, all i can think is, it's called second puberty for a reason, eh 😅😅

probably my strongest coping mechanism came from a cis ex of mine, who told herself that she was pretty when she cried (she was right). in the beginning i had some earth-shattering grief sessions that were too strong for something like that but god, sometimes i just cry over pancakes i make or i just cry about the state of the world at large and even if it's a little dumb or childish, i try to at least look at myself while it's happening so i can appreciate seeing something that i'd rarely been able to before. and fuck yeah, i'm pretty when it happens. it's great. i need to remind myself i'm here, or something.

i'm glad you found the remote!! it seems pretty understandable to be upset after getting so dressed up, and you made something really beautiful out of it - the makeup smears really bring attention to the eyes. this is a wonderful picture 😭

vicki scott @victoria-scott1/23/2023, 5:37 PM

I definitely tell myself I'm pretty when I cry, and it's true for me too; my eyes are all shiny and my face is rosy, lol. It's just that I wish I had complete control over when I did it; crying at a funeral is fine, I guess, but over these smaller things it still feels so childish. It does help me remember I'm here, oh-so-present, after so many years, and maybe that's why I also don't quite want to stop, either.

Thank you, I really appreciate it <3

Chris Stevenson @Kakairo1/23/2023, 5:33 PM

I don't share in your experience, for obvious reasons, but I'm glad you are allowing yourself to feel your feelings. Those of us socialized male are often taught not to, and breaking through that training is crucial to growing as a person.

aster @TerraSabaea1/23/2023, 10:14 PM

the tears coming more easily with hrt has been my favorite part of medically transitioning. it was the signpost that the enforced disconnect from myself was starting to break down; those first tears were crashing waves that had been bouncing back and forth within a bottle for a decade. i've cried at everything from touring the blasted ruins of my 20s to pure elation for finally feeling free to be myself.

i'm so happy that you're able to cry freely, to have been able to plug back into yourself.

vicki scott @victoria-scott1/25/2023, 4:24 AM

the crying at elation will truly never get old, I will say that much. it's the most incredible feeling I've ever enjoyed

MarMar @SputnikGagarin1/25/2023, 1:53 PM

I struggle with crying too. I enjoy actually having emotions, that people can see that I'm happy. But sometimes it's so intense that tears are the only outlet, even if the root cause is just losing something I need at the moment. The baggage from childhood about not doing so makes it hard. I'm trying to work on it, and knowing others go through it helps.