this is a very personal post.
i once made a long post on a forum a few years back about stuff related to my catholic upbringing. that forum isn't up anymore as far as i'm aware so sadly (?) it's gone now but i remember it being emotional and hoping to be honest to my friends about myself, when i usually keep these things hidden.
i think i have a problem with hiding things. i would think being older than 30 i would have figured out a way to solve this already, but no. the problem keeps coming back. maybe i will never be the fully honest person i've hoped so much to be. i don't know if that's a problem or not.
maybe being told about sin probably did just break me forever. i find that very cruel.
the idea that one can displease someone by just thinking in a certain way is very intrusive. the idea that an entity knows of our thoughts, and silently judges us, but doesn't indicate in any way what the judgment is, seems manipulative and disquieting.
maybe the idea that i was constantly under surveillance in my own head didn't do me any good. maybe trying to not be a hypocrite in my daily life, because of my beliefs, was a bad idea.
i didn't know about intrusive thoughts when i was a kid, or well into my teens. i didn't know one could just have images in their head, or ideas pop up, because we aren't fully under control of our brain. i didn't realize other people also had intrusive thoughts. i didn't realize that what is really important is what we do after the ideas come up.
so what did this all mean? well, obviously everyone around me must be honest. or at least honest enough that they don't care about this, because otherwise how could they be catholics? how could someone claim to believe in a god that will send them to hell for lying, and yet be a liar anyway? that wouldn't make sense. so, people must tend to be honest.
it also means that if i lie to someone, i committed a sin. just misinforming someone unintentionally is enough. why? who said misinforming someone unintentionally is a sin? uhh i'm not sure, but i think god said so. probably. so i have to either shut up, or correct myself constantly. i tried a little of both. it did make communication harder. just a little. let's ignore being awkward and nerdy in general as a factor here.
among all other things, though, the most important implication is that this is proof that i am not free from sin. i am inherently evil, and have to constantly fight myself to somehow, someday become a human who is...not evil? to be honest i don't think i ever thought this through entirely. i was too busy being guilty.
it really, really pisses me off that it took me until i was 18 to stop being catholic, and then that the subsequent realizations plunged me into a depression and anxiety that i am STILL struggling with. at least i managed to get professional medical help for this.
who would make something like this up? who would inflict something like this on a child? like...i was lied to and made to think i should feel bad for being a liar. but, you know, not directly, only implicitly, subtly, such that the core of my being could feel it.
......
i understand, and i remember now, why i was emotional back then, and why it took me so long to talk about it.
it really pains me to see myself fall for this again. i don't know how common it is to experience one's past failings so vividly and so often. at least this time, it's written here, in public, and i will hold myself to at least try to get past this. i don't believe in sin, and i don't want whatever i used to believe to drag me down forever.
