i made the above piece in 2019 by request. i'm never very sure how to feel about my attempts at photorealism because i normally reference a photograph and not a physical subject in my view. it feels cheap i guess. (here's the reference image. if for some reason it doesn't load, that's actress Saniyya Sidney)
IT'S BEEN 3 YEARS SINCE I QUIT MY JOB and i am kinda losing it because i thought it would be easy to just get into art and i keep getting distracted by just about anything. i have no partner and it's getting to me for the first time in my life. astonishingly, i cannot replace intimate human contact with art and porn. my existential panic makes me waste time with video games and youtube. and all that bites into making art. i don't want to make art because i'm lonely or have anxiety, i want to make art because i love being creative, and i want to make something for people, and i also want to make a living.
i told myself that anything would be better than going back to that horrible fucking call center or working online for that horrible fucking company with that weirdo supervisor. i turned on my work computer and as i input my password i started fucking bawling like i was going to die. it was hell in my head. i had to just lie in bed. so yeah it does seem like i would rather suffer prolonged uncertainty and anxiety about making art.
but then there's protests in my country, i get a serious cold that keeps me in bed for a week, and finally this fucking...loathsome statistical model """"""""""""""""""""""""""art"""""""""""""""""""""""""" garbage comes along last year. so i decided, fuck this, fuck the news, fuck the world, im just going to make a little bubble and make art.
i can't just make art. right now i have my pen tablet hidden from view. i don't draw every day and sometimes go a week without using my tablet. i try not to force myself. i keep thinking that i must develop patience and discipline first. because i have a tendency to not finish what i start, leave drawings halfway done, then forget about them or delete them. but, not drawing isn't gonna cut it either. maybe i need help.
i get anxious about things like color. when i try to use color, things get so muddy and weird and i don't like it. i grew up doing just pencil on paper and that was always it. monochrome.
shading with a regular graphite pencil just felt nice to me, and when jumping into digital media, it was the easiest thing to fall back on, but i always meant to get better at doing color, and i feel i haven't really done that.
i don't know how to end this post, but it's 6 am and i haven't slept