After some time and all these ups and downs and that cry that made me physically sore, I don't think my brainmeds really make a difference to my mood or sleep if I'm in a foul mood a lot, just my focus levels. It's like drinking a 5 hour energy when you're super tired. You don't sleep, but you're still low energy. Off-med I might not get work done but my emotional outbursts die off faster cause I forgot what I was upset about.
I want to say this week has been okay but it was after a 3 day weekend so it's a little bit of an outlier. I made some attempts at doing something besides zone out to content a couple times this week. It's like I keep saying, as long as constant disasters don't happen and I have a baseline I can manage and try to build back some kind of normal feelings, I just haven't gotten a lot of that the last few years.
I dunno I've said the same things every few days cause time is an illusion. Maybe it helps me remind myself where I'm at, even if it's the same place. In a perfect world I know what I need is a long break or no debt and fuck if I'll ever have either. It's eaten away at me for years that if I didn't have my debt I'd have little to no struggles, could help friends, could work on getting my balls cut off which I've given up entirely on, or could be interested in buying more than one thing a year that's not a requirement to live. The constant tragedy and loss wouldn't be so bad if my family could have clothes without holes or I didn't panic when one of us has a required doc appointment.