With all the extra money crap from February it's looking like I'll have to skip my brainmeds until the mid-month paycheck and hope work doesn't notice the dip in productivity. I don't trust it, I don't like when the numbers point close to zero. Rent going up next month is swimming in my head always, things are bad enough staying afloat as it was. Every week there's a new variable.
I don't know when my raise is coming. Last time it was at the tail end of April. My work anniversary is the end of the month. Still got taxes to cover somehow in 6 weeks. I am going to give it another week for the rest of the top of month bills to take their chunk plus the first grocery dip before I decide to make a post about asking for anything. I have to be sure. I try to save asking for help as my last resort.
I've been trying to hold myself up and pretend to be normal like everyone else as best I can but staying alive is more important than socializing or hobbies. The first two paragraphs above are how my brain thinks every several few hours every day. How can I recover from anything when I re-live being on the edge of disaster every single month? Trauma has to stop happening before you can recover from it!
I'm sorry this is all I post here. I wish I could post better things here. I'm tired of this long struggle and nights of bad sleep. I'm so exhausted and sad from a decade of horrible debt all because I had necessities and emergencies I couldn't afford alone. If I never transitioned, I would have gotten a job and not been homeless all those years ago. My debt is a reminder of what happened when I decided to do what my heart told me to do first time. I cannot be happy with myself as a person knowing that being myself condemned me to hell.