For nearly everything in life, work or otherwise, there is some kind of mental cap where my ability can only reach a low height and the burnout makes me drop it. I never have that push or drive to go beyond the basic setup and fucking around with something, whether or not I have meds. I'm lucky if I can even start. The only reason work gets work out of me is from the panic and fear of losing my job at any given moment, and now I'm tasked with improving QA with no help and not enough knowledge on how.
It's not like I haven't applied myself ever. When I got into improv I tried my hardest. I went to theaters every week, I went to parties, I went to open jams and did everything I could to try and get stage time. I studied and analyzed shows and skits and performances. For three years while I apparently had all these friends, outside of being a student taking classes and the occasional random scrap/morsel, I wasn't allowed to do much and actually hone any deep skills out of it besides getting generally better slowly. By the end I spent a summer paying for workshops cause no one wanted to work with me. For fuck's sake, I never even got into a student troupe until AFTER I graduated because one of the guys there didn't like me (who was also going to be the coach for said troupe) and everyone else was like "what the fuck she's been trying a lot." Changing my gender just proved that I was an idiot for spending 3 years thinking anyone gave a flying crap. It's an art form that requires other humans to function, and all the rides, jokes, hangouts, coming to their shows, and drugs I supplied were just for everyone else's benefit in the end.
I'm still bitter cause after doing all of that when I left/went homeless aside from one person who occasionally checks in every now and then to tell me improv gossip, the only people who reached out to me after it was all said and done were people who just wanted to know if I still had the drugs. Over and over I use my resources to try and make people happy and be friendly/inviting and when it's gone all they want is the shit I provided and not me. I'm too fucking weird and strange and uncool when I get comfortable with normies socially I guess.
It's bothered me for a long time that I've never invested into anything beyond a few years tops. I'm not really a jack of all trades since those people learn shit from their previous skills. If the real-or-imagined support of other people for my hobbies is the only reason streaming and improv lasted so long, then like... how many more years will I go before I find something new? How am I supposed to find anything new? I just want to have the desire or executive function for SOMETHING. I kind of wish my therapist didn't point out my people pleasing cause at least when I was people pleasing I would continually make and do things to please them