My therapist keeps wanting me to just imagine what it would feel like if I was given the same amount of attention and effort that I've put into other people and I can't. I can't imagine anyone being as submissive and as much as a bitch as I have been to everyone. To be on my level would mean someone would have to willingly become my butler, maid, or slave. I would have to be carried on a golden throne by eunuchs and be showered with gems for the tens of thousands I've wasted on people who were done with me when I stopped being a resource to them. That's just envisioning an unrealistic fantasy.
All I do is give chunks of myself and my things away with no resistance, expecting nothing in return since I don't really get things in return for what I do. I don't expect it, and I don't even know what to do when someone does something for me when it occasionally happens every few years. I don't even know how to say no, I just say Yes Boss and do what I'm told. And somehow, I'm supposed to imagine with two cents to rub together a world in which I feel appreciated for busting my ass for so, so many people with nothing to show for it but hollow depression and meekly throwing away all my possessions to anyone who yells at me loud enough.
At the end of the day it's still up to me and me alone to hold the world up for everyone else while I'm simultaneously left alone to rot. I can't imagine a world where I am given any choice or ability to invest in myself or be invested into after 40 years of never being given the chance. The numbers aren't there, the budget isn't there, I'm not someone that can be factored into the equation. And I can't even try to make my environment better cause I spend 40 hours a week in a career where I'm routinely told as the risk assessment team that I'm full of shit. What the hell would I know about being treated fairly let alone imagine being treated well?