It's been hard to think about stuff like what I might want (from the tiniest things to the largest) or about what I should do or work on or anything. After all bills and whatnot are doled out I look at what's left and I don't want to spend any of it in case something happens and that $50 or whatever has a higher purpose. I don't want to let my bank account get close to zero every month and keep thinking "I have to wait till its safer to buy non-necessities", so I don't buy anything. Buy hey, I'm right most of the time that something happens. I'm a pro at being in crisis mode.
I know it's not a cycle that's permanent but at least for now I feel I gotta be out of the shit before I can remember what life was like not covered in shit. I look at therapy and nicotine and I can't justify spending any more on myself than that. Cause of the meds there isn't much to any guilt about spending on things I don't need, just no desire to. I tried this weekend to maybe get something stupid and had to get a refund cause the item is bugged and not delivering (confirmed on dev discord), so what I bought in makeup for it was 6000 rainbow cubes and still didn't pull the razzin frazzin sugar glass costume grumble grumble need two more pulls in order to buy it with fuckin mileage
It's a really big goddamned pain in the ass when a lot of my core issues stem from the fact I made it 40 years on this earth as a clueless autistic with practically zero guidance from most people on earth. Being continually shoved or guilted in certain directions until it becomes automatic to do the only thing that ever got crumbs of attention. I've been trying to shed responsibilities here and there to give me more mental room, but it sucks that at the end of the day I still have to figure out what I want or how I want things myself, like it's always been. I don't know how I can take up more space when I don't know what being a priority to anyone is even like.
Maybe this is how I join a cult. When you have to cobble your personality with what's around you, and there's no one to follow around like a combination of lost puppy and butler, what then