i do not dream of labor
i lucked into my job. i graduated during the pandemic, a time that i was shocked i could find any job. my first job out of the pandemic was working as a sustainability coordinator for a city in silicon valley. it was draining. nothing screams sustainability like burning a wick at both ends to convince google employees to recycle more.
but then i lucked out, moved cross country. my job now is fine. i do not dream of it, i do not dream of my labor. i work each day to put products out there for people to learn from so they can continue to do their job. i do not dream of improving greatly at my job.
my work offers professional development, or covering it at least. but it'd be in courses related to improving how well i can do professional development courses. an exercise in redundancy, as this is not my passion. this is my job, and i'd like to do it well, but it is not complex. it is taxing when i must pull information out of other folks who do nothing to provide it on time.
i could understand conferences or improvements in other sectors. in the hard sciences. in academia. in coding. in pretty much anything. but i do administration for a non-profit. what would they teach me to do better? use a computer? send emails more efficiently? my dream is not efficiency. my dream is stability.
i dream of finding the equilibrium, of finding the balance between interest and comfort. i would love to work in a more stimulating field, but nothing pays like where i'm at. yet i do not dream of labor. i dream of being interesting. of doing interesting things. of my job being worthwhile, in a way. i dream of thinking, of pondering, of writing out my thoughts and feelings on how we create small communities, medium communities, large communities; through the medium of the internet.
i dream of investigating what drives some people to have the kinks they have, to have the interests. i would love to figure out the root causes to some of those, as they're fascinating to me. i dream of learning to compose, of playing the guitar better, of coming up with ideas and things that people want to read, to hear, to see.
i dream of not fading away. unfortunately, sometimes holding on is labor. and i do not dream of labor. i dream of being important to those around me. but that requires maintenance. and maintenance is labor. i do not dream of labor. i dream of finding new ways to enjoy life. of finding new dreams. of learning new things all the time. but going to a university again, or a seminar, or practicing a hard skill is labor. i do not dream of labor.
but i dream of the worth i can have when i labor. when i try. when i push forward and do the difficult thing. when i stick with the challenging task. when i learn the song all the way through. when i write a short story. when i train my voice. i do not dream of labor, but i dream of the fruits of my effort.