ysaie

31 / ⚧ / code, music, art, games

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🌸 many-shaped creature
✨ too many projects
πŸš€ cannot be stopped
πŸŒ™ stayed up too late
:eggbug: eggbug enjoyer
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header image: chapter 8 complete from celeste
avatar: made using this character builder


πŸ“© email
contact@echowritescode.dev

i've been in a confusing genderfucky place lately. feeling distinctly Not Girl but also Not Boy. then i remembered that i'm nonbinary and i don't need to always feel 100% femme, even if i'm taking feminizing hormones. i definitely feel better realizing that, but there's still something bothering me.

i keep going in this cycle of feeling great about HRT, to feeling ambivalent, to feeling anxious, back to ambivalent, and then back to great. i remember i felt exactly the same cycle before HRT, just inverted: the "not masc" phase of the cycle reeeeeally disagreed with the way my body naturally looks and feels.

i'm not sure what the solution is to the dissonant parts of the cycle, or if there even is a solution. i wish i could body swap whenever i wanted instead of having to do long, slow, permanent transition changes! maybe i need to aim for a middle ground instead of a full transition, or maybe i just need to pick a baseline presentation and do my best to counteract it on days when that baseline doesn't align with my gender. maybe HRT is right for me, but not this specific combination of drugs.

i'd love to hear other folks' experiences with shifting gender feels and how that interacts with transition πŸ’œ


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in reply to @ysaie's post:

Fwiw I identify pretty strongly fem and I still experience a lot of that cycle you're describing of anxiety into ambivalence into confidence and euphoria. I think there are a few finer points that might differ but it's a space I find myself in pretty often, and it's also something I felt in an inverted way before starting hrt too. Personally it's less that I wish I could hot-swap gender and more that I wish I just had magic-gender-potionβ„’ with instant effect so I didn't have the fear that goes along with a longer term transition