zandravandra

turning people into catgirls

~author/streamer/gamedev~ appreciator of colorful wigs


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estrogen-and-spite
@estrogen-and-spite

A couple of days ago, Luna shared with me a Tumblr post about ceiling stars that were painted over. The posts were beautiful but also it unlocked memory for me I'd buried long ago.

I'd had stars like this on my ceiling. And one day, when I went to bed, the stars were gone. I'd thought they'd fallen at first, but no. They'd been taken down. I was "too old" for them. I needed to "grow up."

I didn't cry over losing the stars. I'd lay there in bed, wanting to cry, but I couldn't. I was just numb at staring at the empty black ceiling, where once there had been stars.

They'd taken the stars from me.

It took me twenty years to cry for what I'd lost. It took finally finding someone who made me feel truly safe to shed the tears I couldn't on that night. I had to find my moon before I could see the stars again.

I have the stars back now.

And no one can take them from me again.


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in reply to @estrogen-and-spite's post:

Mmm... I lost mine due to moving houses and we just never put more up again. We probably would have if I asked my mum, but I just never did. Guess I was able to make the decision myself. Still, this post got to me.

Now, the room I'm in has painted-over stars. I can't help but wonder and hope it was simply due to their family moving houses instead of someone having their stars taken away from them.

I had these too, and I've similarly been reclaiming my youth. It's begun with plushies and Galaxy lights and will probably become a blacklight obsession again. These things stay with us as such a comforting thing that it seems so silly until we're back in it and it's like.. No.. Yeah.. Needed this! 💕

Honestly I want my stars back too, I don't remember why we got rid of them, it was likely done during a repainting of my room and I was convinced I didn't need them anymore.

But I think I need them again, the world gets more and more awful as time goes on and having that but of childhood comfort might be needed. I thought about getting one of those lights that projects a galaxy onto the ceiling but, that wouldn't be the same and it would probably be too bright.

Fuck people who say Nostalgia is something we don't need, because I do need the comfort.

There are comments from so-called family members to the tune of, "You'll grow out of X," or "You're gonna be too old for Y," that remained particularly stuck in my mind, notably because these comments are now something like 16-17 years ago and I haven't forgotten them. Mostly because they were wrong - I never did stop being into X and Y, I even got into Z and A. But the comments upset me for a reason I couldn't quite describe. At the time I just attributed it to my being a permanently angry teenager. I was angry at a lot of things and a lot of people for not a lot of good reasons.

Now I finally get it. I was angry because these comments were disparaging what I was into, who I was, because it didn't fit their definition of adulthood. I never lost my equivalent of ceiling stars (you hang on to a lot of things when you're angry!), but boy have I had a lot of things taken away from me.

If I'm ever cursed to care for a child, I vowed never, ever to treat them that way.

Sorry for dumping all of that. It needed to get out.

The only reason I’m taking mine down is to bring them with me. If they still work. I… Like many things, I’ve taken them for granted. I’ve forgotten to appreciate them.
I’m glad you found someone you could mourn and reclaim them with. 💜